Guest Post by Mary Rabe
I almost missed out on the last two years of my life.
It still breaks my heart to consider that truth; but being on the other side of it now, I can also see that the lowest point of my life was also a huge turning point for me and the catalyst to incredible personal growth, and closeness with my Savior.
Depression has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember, but it has never been as bad as it was in 2019. I was just so tired of the constant battle in my mind, and hopeless that anything could ever get better, and I was willing to do whatever it took to be set free. One day in March 2019, I came closer than I ever have to that horrible, permanent decision. When it came down to it, though, I was simply too afraid to carry it out. I had nothing left to give to keep moving through life, but I was too scared to change anything. I felt trapped, desperate, and completely hopeless, and I have never been at a lower point in my life; all I could do was sit on my bathroom floor and weep. After a long time, I sensed a tiny voice in my heart. It was so quiet and so small that I honestly thought it was my own thinking.
“Just stand up. That’s all you need to do for now. Just. Stand. Up.”
I don’t know if any of you have been in a situation where you are so overwhelmed and so defeated that even something as simple as standing up seems impossible, but I was there. I don’t know how long it took for me to get to my feet, but eventually I did; then that tiny little prompting spoke again.
“Now open the door. Just open the door.”
And that was how I pushed through that entire day, just listening to that prompting to do literally one simple thing at a time. Still, for several days afterward I felt angry and abandoned whenever I remembered that moment on the bathroom floor. When I thought of it, I saw myself huddled against the wall in complete desperation and isolation, with no loving Savior to rescue me, and no faithful God listening to my desperate prayers. I remember crying out several times in the following days, “Where were you, God? I needed you more than I ever have, and you weren’t there.”
God’s loving and patient response to me still feels so very humbling. A few days later, He used the lyrics of a song to share the truth of that hard day. The song is called “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle, and these were some of the words I heard:
“I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight, it’s true
I will rescue you.”
Even though I had never felt more alone than I did at that moment, and honestly could not sense God’s presence or help at all at the time, the truth was that He was actively and passionately fighting for me, and had never left my side. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
As that truth sank in, I saw the picture of that day in an all new light, and it’s how I’m able to view it today. Yes, I still see myself sitting on the floor weeping. Yes, there is still unspeakable pain and grief. But rather than being alone in that room, I can now see my amazing Savior sitting right in front of me, wrapping His arms around me and whispering, “Just stand up. It’s going to be ok. I will save you. Just stand up.”
So if any of you are feeling like I did—struggling to believe that God is really there, afraid that He has left you to fight your hardest battles on your own—please believe me when I tell you that someday you will look back on this time and see so much evidence of just how present He really has been, and it will completely change your memory and perspective of this entire battle.
I think the verse that best captures the picture of what God did for me is Isaiah 51:3, which says, “The Lord will comfort Israel again and have pity on her ruins. Her desert will blossom like Eden, her barren wilderness like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found there. Songs of thanksgiving will fill the air.”
He is so faithful, Guys, even when we are faithless. It’s incredibly humbling and overwhelming to reflect on everything God has brought me through, and I just want you each to know that He can do the exact same thing for you, no matter what your circumstances or situation. If any of you are in that place, I’m praying for you to experience that amazing redemption and beautiful rescue in whatever you may be facing. Thank you for letting me share how He did that for me.