Amanda Lewallen

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Archives for December 2020

Light in the Darkness

Walking through the darkness feels like the weight of a hundred unanswered prayers pressing down. Ever noticed that life marches…
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You never foget me, even when I forget myself. Wo

You never foget me, even when I forget myself.
Worries come full force like a tidal wave -- surrounding, consuming -- and suddenly I can’t see.
I can’t see You.
And I forget to remember the ground beneath my feet and the Hand on my shoulder that steadies me, even when I don’t realize it.
You’ve never met a storm You can’t stand in or a wave You can’t tame and my storms settle at the sound of your voice, just like they always have.
When I can breath again I notice the Ground and the Hand and the Voice and I remember --
That’s right. You’re still there.
#womenwriters #writersofinstagram #hopewriters #shewritestruth #womenintheword #jesusiseverything #faithfulgod #complextrauma #cptsd #traumarecovery #traumahealing

Twelve Sundays ago You burst out of the prison of

Twelve Sundays ago You burst out of the prison of Hell in the quiet stillness of a dark tomb. A dead body hidden behind a heavy stone that became the center of every single thing.
You took the very hardest thing, the death of the Son of the Living God, and made it beautiful.
If every cell, every molecule and mitochondria in Your Body can thrum it’s way back to life, electrifying Itself back to a beating heart and breathing lungs, then doesn’t that mean our pain, our unspoken grief, our breathless sorrows are headed there too? The sound of that first breath that filled the silence of the tomb echoes down to my own lungs.
Timed to the very heartbeat of Your glory.
Weary bodies and souls everywhere can rejoice because of a God who breaks His own laws of matter and life and death, all for the simple cause of Love.
Do I hold that dear enough? Do I?
Because You rose, so will I. You are resurrecting me, too. Because you didn’t remain behind the stone, neither do I have to.
We aren’t condemned to remain entombed in our own pain because there is One who knows the tomb well. He’s laid alone in the quiet darkness, feeling its weight. He’s felt His own heart stop and begin again, caught in the space between the terrors of this world and the glory of the next, setting the tune of Resurrection for us all to follow.
You always roll the stone away, time after time, doing Your will on earth as You do in heaven.
#hopewriterlife
#hopewriters
#compeltraining
#complextrauma #healingshame #healinganxiety #mentalhealthmatters #traumarecovery #ressurection #cptsdrecovery #notalone #attachmentlove #healingfromabuse #faithandmentalhealth

Long summer days in northern New England have us o

Long summer days in northern New England have us outside enjoying every last drop of sun and beauty and warm glory. In a region that’s covered with snow for much of the year, we’re more motivated than most to milk summer for all its worth.
Long vacations and short getaways, day hikes - there’s something so beautiful about the time spent just enjoying life. Breathing, beating, vibrant life, grabbing priceless moments with precious people is soul-care.
As wonderful as long days out are, there’s nothing quite like coming back home at the end of one. Fitting the key into the lock of our own door and the smell of our own home that engulfs us as we open it- it’s one of my favorites. Settling back into my favorite chair and snuggling into my own bed makes my soul smile.
As good as life can be out in the world, there’s nothing quite like the warmth of the familiar. There’s nothing like coming home.
We’re told heaven has a home ready-made for us, custom-crafted as for a beloved one. I used to wonder, though, would I feel at home? Or would I wander around awkwardly, trying to find my equilibrium in a place I’d never been, wondering if I was the only one out of place looking for familiarity? Home is a beautiful place for me now, but it hasn't always been so.
But really, what is familiar except love?
These are our traveling days. We’re nothing but sojourners here, staggering our way through joy and heartbreak, the ecstasy and the gut-wrenching sides of this fallen world can fool us into thinking we’re grounded here. That we belong here.
But the longing in our chest, the breathless gasp in the face of beauty, the ache of the soul towards goodness- that is the inner call to home. A hunger for the beauty of home.
And there’s nothing like coming home.
Photo: "Lego beach vacation" created by one of my littles.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #ptsdhealing #cptsdhealing #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawareness #traumahealing #home #sojourner #newenglandsummer #homecoming #hopewriters #hopewriterlife

Earlier in my healing (and even now on the hard da

Earlier in my healing (and even now on the hard days) I would read a quote like this and rail against it a bit.
What do you mean it isn’t the weight? Of course it’s the weight- it’s heavy.
And heavy is awfully hard.
As Christians, sometimes we tend to scan too quickly for the glory-part of the story. Where is redemption, it must be there somewhere? And the need to gloss over the gory to get to Resurrection is salt in the wound of a survivor.
Jesus lingered in the gory of his story and I weep with thanksgiving to Him for it. And if that’s where you are in your healing, I hear you. It is hard and it is heavy.
But the thing about heavy weight is that it can shift, and even more wondrous is that other hands can help you carry it. Healing is communion.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #mentalhealthmatters #abuserecovery #healingfromabuse #traumahealing #cptsdhealing #MaryOliver #hopewriters #hopewriterlife

I’m so grateful for the communiuty that’s buil

I’m so grateful for the communiuty that’s built up in these squares over the last few years. I pray hard about how to use my words in this space. What’s the best way to address current events here? Is it necessary? Is it possible to do it with wisdom and compassion? I hope so.
The Supreme Court decision last week brought joy to some and fear to others. So much has been said and said well, so I’m going to shift a bit and use this moment to highlight an issue that’s so, so dear to me.
If you’re reading this in the United States I’d like to let you know that your local foster care organization desperately needs your help. The past few years have been incredibly difficult on families which means there are more children in custody right now than ever. And because of pandemic concerns, there are fewer foster parents to meet the need.
A few years ago we fostered and then adopted this cutie. He spent a total of three years “in the system” and I won’t say it’s been easy, but I can say it’s been stunningly beautiful. He’s our beloved son.
Here are some ways you can help your local department for children and families. I’d like to challenge you today to choose one or more:
-Become a foster parent. If you’ve ever thought about it, if you’ve ever said “I’ll wait till God nudges me again” -- consider this your nudge. There are babies, children, and teens just waiting for someone to love them. The expression “it takes a village” means that when a family can’t care for a child, someone else has got to step in. Someone has to do it and maybe it’s you.
-Become a Guardian ad Litem. This is a volunteer advocate for children in foster care. Your state will train you and you’d be expected to commit to a few hours a month of advocacy.
- Call your local department for children and families and ask what they need most. Do they need toys for the family playroom? Clothes for children? Hygiene products?
-Look up your local DCF and find their online list of children available for adoption. These are always the older children. Choose one child and commit to pray daily for protection, love, and a forever family.
Would you comment below with which challenge you accept?

This is a man among men. I thank God every day t

This is a man among men.
I thank God every day that our children grow up with his care and love. He knows what is means to love his family and he goes about his life quietly healing old wounds and creating family patterns that I know will last generations. Happy Father's Day, my love. We adore you.
#fathersday #fathersday2022 #happyfathersday

Sometimes we long to be embraced, but it’s shame

Sometimes we long to be embraced, but it’s shame that holds us tight.
Those of us who’ve experienced traumatic events or experiences often end up swimming in a pool of shame. Sometimes things happen that are so hard to process it’s easier to conclude that we are somehow the ones to blame. After all, if we’re somehow to blame then it follows that we have some control. There’s a protective logic to the belief that “there’s something wrong with me,” rather than the terrifying idea that those who were supposed to love us and keep us safe were unable or unwilling to do it. Or that a traumatic event can happen with no warning.
Shame is the negative aftereffects of the brain’s marvelous ability to self-protect in the midst of a pain too great to bear at the time. A generous gift from the Creator as we make our way through this fallen world.
Shame just hangs around too long, overstays its welcome and as we grow stronger and wiser, it begins to interfere with how we see ourselves. What began as a protective belief ends up as a measure of weakness and worth. And as we progress towards healing, the tension becomes great as shame begins to fall away and healthy truth takes its place.
Shame is disorienting, leaving us wondering where we belong, who we are and if we’re loveable. But the God of the heavens and the earth doesn’t think less of you for any part of your past. He thinks just ENOUGH of you to die for you. Your worth is already defined by His Heart. It’s stable and solid, independent of any feeling or trauma and it will follow you for all the days of your life.
The cross is the crucible, the touchpoint in history that defines every molecule of who we are, and who we are is who we are to Him. We are beloved because He loves.
Let it settle your soul.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #healingshame #cptsdrecovery #traumarecovery #hopewriters #hopewriterlife
#soulcare #noshame #abuserecovery

A new week starting and, God, we're just wondering

A new week starting and, God, we're just wondering how you’re going to work it all out?
The problems pile up and the wounds we bear weep and we just need to know, CAN it really be fixed? Can the insurmountable, gut-wrenching, heart-consuming problems we face really find their way to a peaceful resolution? We run to You with our troubles, dragging the full weight of our wounds behind us, hoping hard against fear.
Two thousand years ago You were walking down a mountain when a man approached You begging for healing for his son because You are the God of first-stops and last resorts.
“All things are possible for one who believes,” You told him (Mark 9:23 ESV).
“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, ‘I believe; help my unbelief!’” (Mark 9:24 ESV).
And that was just enough because healing happens in the space of grace, not perfection. You hear the desperate prayer of the half-believers, caught between hope and fear, and then You take the hand of those of us convulsed in pain and lift us up. You are a God of compassion and tenderness, and you meet us where we are rather than where we “should” be.
Trust breeds peace -- it leads over and back again straight to You.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality
#learningtobeloved
#christianencouragement
#christianmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #healingshame #traumarecovery #ptsdrecovery #cptsdrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #traumahealing #hopewriters #hopewriterlife #abusehealing #healingfromabuse

He is Right Now. Resurrection and Life apply to

He is Right Now.
Resurrection and Life apply to this moment -- all our present heartaches are already bound up in Him. We don't have to wait for the End of the story because He is life and it is His story.
#christianmentalhealth #emotionallyhealthyspirituality #learningtobeloved #traumarecovery #ptsdrecovery #hopewriters #healingshame #lightinthedarkness #seekingchrist #complextrauma #hopewriters #cptsdrecovery #mentalhealthawareness

Every single bit of it. #complextrauma #healingfr

Every single bit of it.
#complextrauma #healingfromabuse #cptsd #hopewriters #hopewriterlife #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawareness #traumarecovery #Jesusisenough #womenwriters #soulcare

The phrase “I am enough” always leaves me feel

The phrase “I am enough” always leaves me feeling inadequate and a even bit terrified.
Me?
I’m just not. Some days maybe, when I’ve been eating and sleeping well and the world arranges itself easily around me, then maybe I’m a little deceived into the belief that I can hold it all together.
But the reality is, I can’t. Without fail, one of the pieces will fall out of place and I’ll plunge back into the abyss of the not-enough.
And it’s at that point that my kind Savior always gently reminds me that I’m not supposed to be enough. How terrifying to be expected to be? To have everything- the whole weight of how I’m experiencing the world- rest only on my shoulders? It's just too much.
He is who He says He is. So whatever “it” is that sits on your shoulders today, let me tell you that you’re not enough to handle it and you don’t have to be. He is plenty strong enough for your “it.” He does His best work in our weakness, not because He’s unkind and wants us to struggle, but because He knows we will and He wants us to be close to Him when we do.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #faithandmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #cptsdrecovery #hopewriters #hopewriterlife #soulcare #cptsdawareness #complextrauma #abusehealing #healingfromabuse #jesusisenough #jesusislife

Words are crowding the internet this morning and i

Words are crowding the internet this morning and it almost feels irreverent to add mine to the noise.
This morning I received an email from our school’s principal with advice for how to speak to our kids about school shootings. The first piece of advice from the National Association of School Psychologists? “Reassure children that schools are safe places.”
I couldn’t read any further.
I homeschool most of our children, but our youngest kiddo has significant special needs and he needs a classroom. Some of the many thoughts running through my head today: Would he know what to do? Who would help him follow directions? Would it even matter?
Nineteen babies, just two days away from their summer vacation, felt like their school was a safe place until a mentally ill man entered it with an automatic weapon. I weep for their mothers and I weep with the knowledge that it could be any of us mothers.
We live in a broken, horrible world but it’s our responsibility as the adults to keep our children safe so that they can just be kids. It’s our job to make this problem better so our children don’t have to keep paying for our apathy with their lives. We are not doing our job.
May God have mercy on us.
It appalls me to see us taking up our positions on our respective sides of the political fence. I may not know all the answers, but I do know we need to lay down arms long enough to aggressively find them, even if they’re complicated and hard to face. If we can’t do it for our children, what kind of people are we?
These are harsh words for a Wednesday and I ask your forgiveness for my failings in composing them. If you’d like to help beyond words, I’ve put a link to a verified fundraiser for the families of Uvalde in my bio.
May the God of infinite comfort wrap Himself around them.
Jeremiah 31:15
#uvalde #prayforhealing #mentalhealthmatters #faithandmentalhealth #hopewriters #hopewriterlife #walkhumbly #dojustice #lovemercy

You have permission to grieve your experiences. S

You have permission to grieve your experiences.
So often we feel hurried. To heal. To forgive. To move on and find peace.
There’s a pressure to get healing right and we can feel like we have to fit the pattern just so. We can easily fall into the belief that the absence of pain is the evidence of our faith, but this just isn’t so. It’s a dangerous belief because feelings (or rather rational and normal reactions of grief, pain, anger, and lingering sadness) end up shoved down deep in the well of shame so we can put up a brave face.
But there is space in your faith for your pain. He doesn’t need you to hurry, in fact He longs to sit in that grief with you. And you know why? Because the healing is in the sitting. It’s found in the quiet acceptance of learning to let your grief be held by someone else.
There is no fear where He is.
#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #ptsdrecovery #cptsdrecovery #traumarecovery #hopewriters #hopewriterlife #mentalhealthmatters #grief #griefjourney #griefsupport

#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhe

#emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #christianencouragement #complextrauma #cptsdhealing #mentalhealthmatters #faithandmentalhealth #hopewriterlife #hopewriters #abusesurvivor #abusehealing #childhoodtrauma

Mother’s Day is coming up. Some of us have warm

Mother’s Day is coming up. Some of us have warm and loving relationships with our mothers and this day is a time to celebrate that. For many of us, however, Mother’s Day can be complicated by feelings of loss, grief, disconnection, and trauma. Maybe our mothers didn’t offer the warm, accepting presence that we needed in order to learn that we’re loveable. Maybe Mother’s Day is difficult because we’re grieving a deep loss. And maybe because we aren’t mothers ourselves, we feel like we have no way to participate in this day.
Feelings that don’t fit into the Hallmark box of Mother’s Day can leave us feeling deeply isolated and filled with shame and just maybe we notice the dread that fills our bodies every year around this time?
But what if we tried something new this year? What if grief and isolation and shame aren’t the only choices for Mother’s Day?
I wonder what would happen if we asked the daughter inside ourselves how she would like to spend the day? Perhaps it might feel right to explore places, foods, music, memories, or anything else that brings comfort. Maybe the answer is to let the day pass by without acknowledgement.
Maybe it feels right to spend the day with our children and celebrate the making-of-all-things-new.
It’s ok to create a safe space for yourself if you need to. You are worth making a plan. Once we ask the question, opportunities for healing open up.
#christianmentalhealth #hopewriterlife #hopewriters #CPTSD #faithandmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #complextrauma #developmentaltrauma #mothersday #mothersday2022

Naomi Judd recently passed away from mental illnes

Naomi Judd recently passed away from mental illness and for all those who still struggle, the least this moment can do is bring forth as much awareness and support as this desperate, hurting world can hear.
It’s been almost a decade since the thought last crept its way into my mind, making a terrifying, bone-chilling sort of sense. At first, it flitted in and out, winding around, and for awhile I could fend it off. I remember my very worst moment lying on my bedroom floor trying desperately to grasp at anything solid and finding…
Nothing. Nothing but darkness and unspeakable pain. And that terrible, awful facet of depression that convinces the mind that this is permanent -- there is no relief to be had. There is no hope.
The only thing that kept me from it was fear (a side-note: fear gets a bad rap sometimes, but maybe we can cut this human, biological reaction some slack because it certainly does serve a purpose).
I want to say this as clearly as I can because it can often get muddled by the big-C church -- and muddled is dangerous:
A troubled mind doesn’t mean you don’t trust.
A tortured mind doesn’t mean you don’t have faith.
A disregulated mind doesn’t mean you aren’t an authentic follower of Christ.
It means that you suffer and suffering isn’t a sin, it’s a symptom.
I loved Jesus the day I wanted to die. The reason I haven’t struggled with the symptom of suicidal ideation in many years is that I’m in treatment. That means different things for different people, but for me it means a combination of medication and therapy and intentional self care.
If you suffer, please know it won’t always be so. It may be an ongoing issue, it may require complex and repeated attempts at treatment, and you may have hard days.
But it gets better. There is ALWAYS more love, more healing, more hope: more, more, more. There is always, always more.
If you need help, you can also text HOME to 741741 anytime to discreetly receive it.
#christianmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #ptsd #complexptsd #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealth #keepgoing #youareloved #suicideprevention #selfinjuryawareness #mentalhealthsupport #cptsd #traumarecovery #mentalillness #hopewriterlife

Can I remind you of something? A few hard days, e

Can I remind you of something?
A few hard days, even a few dozen hard days, don’t mean the end of the world. They don’t define the future, and they don’t define you.
Doubt
Discouregement
Anxiety
Depression
Bone-deep grief
Even if you have to add “severe” before any of the above, you are still just you.
Just for today, let’s rest in words that do define:
Beloved
Held
Cherished
Chosen
Free
Even as I write these words I’m realizing that they don’t define us alone, rather they define us within the context of a relationship to the One who gives meaning and identity to all things.
Beloved -- by God
Held -- by God
Cherished -- by God
Chosen -- by God
Free -- because of God’s love
You -- and me -- aren’t ok because we’re ok. We’re not even ok because we’ve figured out how to manage the hard days.
We’re ok because we belong.
#hopewriters #hopewriterlife #cptsd #complextrauma #complexptsd #healingabuse #baddays #harddays #emotionallyhealthyspirituality #christianmentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #healingjourney #notetoself #innerwisdom #giveyourselfgrace

I have been so honored to be a part of @lisaappelo

I have been so honored to be a part of @lisaappelo 's launch team. This book is for anyone struggling with loss, or circumstances you never pictured for yourself. It's a beautifully written, honest and vulnerable book and I highly recommend you head over to Amazon and grab a copy!
#lifecanbegoodagain #griefwork #traumarecovery #traumainformed #jesusistheanswer #jesusistheway #writersofinstagram #hopewriterlife #hopewriters

Our last piece in the Intentional Lent Series is b

Our last piece in the Intentional Lent Series is by my friend Dr. Erin Moulton! When I put a call out for pieces for this series, I received such a wide variety of responses from so many denominations. I reached out to Erin and asked if she'd be willing to conclude the series with Bright Week and she graciously agreed. You do NOT want to miss this one.
"Bells are made for ringing. Voices are there for shouting. Hearts are best at rejoicing. Humans are intended for joy.
Christ’s Resurrection breaks the supposed rules of nature, frees the captives, throws open all doors, releases shouts of joy. I say this in the present tense, because we experience the Resurrection as part of eternity - God’s ever present eternity. Although it happened in time over 2000 years ago, the Day of Resurrection is not a past event. It is a present event which we annually live on Easter, commonly known as Pascha to Orthodox Christians. There is no greater joy than the destruction of death brought by the death and Resurrection of Christ.
In the Eastern Christian tradition, the faith practiced by Orthodox Christians around the world, Pascha is the pinnacle of joy, the highest point of the year. We know this not just intellectually or abstractly. We experience this joy with our whole bodies.
Our preparation for the Great and Holy Feast of Pascha begins weeks in advance, with 40 days of Great Lent followed by Holy Week. We keep strict fasts and prayer routines during this time. Orthodox Christians remove meat and dairy products from their diets throughout the period, attend extra prayer services, add penitential prayers and melodies to prayers at home and in the church. The resounding cry of Great Lent is “Lord have mercy.” Christians pause to acknowledge their sin and work to repent and turn back to God. It is a joyful period, but one focused on quietude and sobriety. We discipline not only our minds and hearts, but also our bodies.
And then the Bright Day of Resurrection dawns."
Follow the link in my bio to read the rest.
#easter2022 #christisrisen #heisrisen #brightweek #resurrection #jesusiscoming #faithwriters #joytotheworld #joy #delight #faithquotes #lovedbygod

May I humbly introduce you to Bright Week? In old

May I humbly introduce you to Bright Week?
In older Christian traditions, celebrating Easter is an intense, week-long event. In fact, we will have the final piece in the Intentional Lent Series on Wednesday and it's all about Bright Week!
In the meantime, I'd like to share this small piece of it with you. Resurrection is a gift from Jesus and it is deeply personal -- Jesus died for MY life and MY sins. But, he also died for the whole world. Resurrection is not only personal, it's also a massive, world - changing, event on such a grand scale that we can't really comprehend it.
The day after celebrating Easter, some Christian traditions gather together and read (shout!) "Christ is risen!" In as many languages as the congregation can say, one after another. The Gospel isn't insular, it's all-encompassing.
Christ is risen!
#christianencouragement #easter2022 #faith #christianinspiration #writersofinstagram #brightweek #christiantradition #jesusistheanswer #Resurrection #joy #delight #savetheworld

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